If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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