I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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