dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
