I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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