You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The adults are the big ones right?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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