Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
