apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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