so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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