Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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