theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
