Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize