Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
