the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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