david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
