Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
