Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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