I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
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So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
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How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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