I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
