hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
