Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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