My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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