No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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