I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
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we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
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Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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