I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
