someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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