so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
