If that was your dad, he is hot
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I will be naked everywhere
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
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DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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