Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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