I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
