My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
