I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
