I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
