this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
