Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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