it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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