just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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