How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize