K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
