i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
