My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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