dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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