so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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