the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
