i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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