A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
