I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
