so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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