Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
