Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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