just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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