When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
