Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
operation harelip BJ is a go
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
