Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
cat food counts as protein by the way
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
