Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
