RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
