I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
