A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
