you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
