Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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