i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
