Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
