No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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