so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
