I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
