Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
